tabbathaanne

Well, let me figure out where to start with. A LOT has happened with my situation. And I honestly dont even know where to begin.

The last time I blogged about Cody, I was VERY angry with him and frustrated. This time is not too different. Im angry with him and also his mother too. His mom is PSYCHO!!! And she is mostly the reason Ive been so stressed out lately, lost 9 lbs in the past week alone, cannot eat, and if I do eat, it doesnt stay in my body for more than 10 minutes. For the first time in my life, I CANT eat when Im stressed. I usually pig out on the world! But this time, I guess its just so severe, that I cant even eat. Ive been getting 500 calories a day if Im lucky. Which is so depressing because Im so used to eating 6 times a day and healthy meals! I dont even have the energy to work out anymore… =[

Ill try to start at the beginning. So let me think… I think it pretty much started a couple days after Cody left for Iraq. He left on February 18th. A couple days later I called his mom because I was so upset I hadnt heard anything and it kinda hit me then that he was gone for 6 months. So I was a mess then. She had been asking me to come stay at her house with her and Lindsey, Codys sister. So I agreed probably due to the fact that I was crying and felt miserable about my situation. Before he left I made up my mind to stay at my house, alone, with my dog, and do my own thing. The first week was OK. Not the worst, not by far. The second week I kept getting frustrated with them. Kim [Codys mom] had got me a gym pass with Codys money. Cody told me he would do that for me because Ive been working so hard and my gym in Cheyenne would be taken away due to the fact that I dont have a pass to get on base, so I lost my gym here. He promised me a gym pass which was great! I started going with his mom and his sister, who do everything their way. Fine. Not a big deal. But after a week and feeling like I barely even started my journey, I was upset. They went to the gym for 45 minutes one day. They do 20 mins of cardio then 30 mins of weights and theyre done. Im used to being at the gym and working out for a minimum of 2 HOURS! Thats how I lost all my weight before.

And it wasnt just the gym. I dont like to eat out at restaurants when Im dieting. Its too hard to control what youre eating and you have to go home and look at how many calories you actually consumed. Im pretty good at guesstimating but Kim would always decide last minute to go out to eat so I couldnt get online for nutrition facts :( Anyways, she started slowly controlling what I did. Cody left his car for me to use, and I literally did not get in it once for the first 2 weeks! I basically was frowned apon for wanting to do my own thing. I couldnt even go to the gym alone! UGH!!!

So I had to start using the car to get around and job hunt. Kim PROMISED me AND Cody she would take me. I asked her a bunch. But she likes to sleep in til 10/1030, fine no big deal again, but she sometimes wouldnt get ready until 2pm!!! Umm… Im sorry, but I dont go looking for a job at 230pm. I believe you should be out at 9am and make a day of it.

Before Cody left for Iraq, actually before he even knew he was leaving. We planned to go to Florida to visit his dad whos deployed there. It was gonna be just me and Cody. Then he found out he had to leave so Kim said I can go with her and Lindsey. Cody and I both told her very nicely that I didnt want to go. One, it was gonna be me and Codys vacation and two, how weird for me to go there and visit his dad with Kim and Lindsey. Especially with the way I had been feeling. I started going to the gym by myself. They hated that. And I kept telling them I didnt want to go to Florida!!! I forget which day it was, but we were in the car coming home from the gym and I said “I really just dont want to go. I appreciate the thought, I just dont want to go!” That started the Kim MADNESS!!! She asked us what we wanted to do for lunch. And literally the day before we had went to Chilis, which I hate, and her and Lindsey promised and even pinky sweared, no Im not joking, that they wouldnt go out to eat again for a LONNNNG time! Kim asked us if we wanted Chilis AGAIN! I asked her about her “promise” and she acted like she didnt even care. And she got upset when I said I didnt wanna go, but they could. Just drop me off at the house, because I had just bought 100 dollars worth of food and groceries so I was happy with that.

So then we went home. I had to go somewhere and Lindsey came with me. Lindsey asked me to write my info down for Florida tickets. OMG. I had said so many times at this point I didnt want to go, and I even said then I dont wanna write my info down, I just dont want to go to Florida! Kim wouldnt let up, so I ended up writing my inforamtion out. Ughhh defeat… An hour after I told her in the car how much I dont want to go, she buys me a plane ticket with CODYS debit card. Great. So the week goes by, not the greatest. I kept saying I didnt want to go! So the night before Florida, I told her again, I dont wanna go. And I didnt pack a suitcase. She had made my decsion so much easier. She was being rude to me all week and when I told her I didnt wanna go… She said “Tabbatha, dont be a fucking retard! Youre being ridiculous!” WOWWWW So thanks for making that easy for me.

Plus, I know this sounds stupid, but she promised we wouldnt eat out much while we were in Florida, we had a house to stay at so there was a kitchen, and she said we could go to the gym and I knew she was lying to make me go. She also tried to bribe me and say that Cody would give me $200 dollars to spend. Im sorry, but my original reason for not wanting to go was because, IIIIII didnt have any money and I didnt wanna use any more of Codys. I didnt think it was right. And I even said to her, for the first time ever in my life, Im trying to be responsible! I told her Id rather get a job and have my own money and pay things off rather than vacation when I dont have the money!!!

Ok, so now were all caught up. Kim has been emailing Cody non stop about me. Kim has been talking about me behind my back to her 21 year old niece [whos also talking shit]. I mean really? Come on now… Ive tried to talk to her and everything I say, she twists my words when she tells Cody!!! When I told her I love Cody and hes so much better than any other guy Ive been with, she told Cody I talk about my ex’s to her all the time and its too much. Then another time I told her about how I want to get a job so I dont keep using Codys money, she told Cody that Im ungrateful for what he does for me and Im only worried about myself. Theres so many more things. Why would I speak to this woman if all she has to say is lies behind my back? So for the last two days, Ive barely said 4 sentences to her. But the icing on the cake? She thought I was lying about my own money that I had saved. I said I only had $24 dollars left. Which was true and I had to get gas with that money. The other money I had was saved by me and was for my phone bill so my phone wouldnt be shut off. She waited til I went to bed, LOOKED THROUGH MY PURSE AND WALLET, told Cody I was lying about money, and said I am so untrustworthy. She went on and on and told Cody he doesnt even know me, Im bi polar, I need to see a doctor, Im two faced, etc. When all this time, I havent said ONE WORD to ANYONE [except Cody] about her. Ive heard her on the phone with different family members talking shit about me like Im not even there. And NIKKI is the one who has been telling ME things! Nikki came over to basically babysit me while I was at Kims when they went to Florida without me, It was awful. Nikki kept talking all kinds of shit about Kim. Saying how shes so two faced, everyone in the familys mad at how she treats Cody, etc. And do you know what I said? “Mhmm” “Yah” “Oh” “Ok” “Yah” I mean RRREEEAAALLLLYYY NOW!!! She doesnt want her son to be happy and she keeps bashing me while hes in Iraq, nice job. Like he doesnt have enough shit to deal with right now. I mean come on now…

I mean, really, Cody asked me to be his family the day he asked me to marry him. And she cannot respect that at all. She feels like shes gonna lose her child. Well you know, if she wasnt so rude to me, all she had to do was be optimistic and realize she wasnt losing her son, she was gaining a daughter. But she pushed me sooo far its been hard on me and Codys relationship. She called me a little girl and she was pissed because Im actually not two faced, and I wouldnt talk shit about Nikki. Im sorry, but who am I to come inbetween all that and be like “Oh well actually Nikki is the one talking shit”. Like she would believe me anyway. Codys family is mean. They talk about Kims brothers wife, Kims sisters husband, Kims niece by marriage, Nikki’s boyfriend, etc. Anyone who isnt blood related is a piece of shit to talk about to them. And its sad.

So Ive been upset for weeks, and since Saturday, March 14th Ive been throwing up and not keeping anything I do manage to eat in. I am MASSIVELY beyond stressed and I cant eat!

I just want all of this to be over. I think I came up with a super idea, but Id love to hear some comments. Let me know what you guys think. I mean, I left out A BUNCH. I didnt wanna completely bore you guys and write a novel. Its not worth my stress or time. Not because of you guys, but I have wasted too much energy on this woman.

I know I wrote before and it was bad about Cody. But at the same time, I hope you guys can understand I was upset, Im not making excuses for him, and we have talked about things. I dont say I love you as much to him right now or call him pet names because of what he did. It pushed me far away and hes vowed to change. He knows if he doesnt he could lose me forever. So right now, this isnt about Cody. Its about his mom and how shes been. Also, this is the whole truth. Ive been nothing but nice to this family. And I didnt leave her side out. This is her. Two faced and rude. She is a mean person. Shes nice to my face and even asked me to go to dinner with her and Lindsey last night. But as soon as she got home, she emailed Cody and bashed me in too many ways.

Ugh. So I hope this gives a little insight as to why Ive been a mess. I just wanna get my life back together, and be able to eat healthy again.

Heres a couple emails she wrote too… Thought you guys might like to read her [100% unedited] emails. Just start at the bottom and work your way up. And I did change the emails to their names. For the protection of EVERYONE! Theres pretty much an explanation for everything she accused me of too. Like making her house dirty? The bedroom she let me use didnt have ANY drawers for clothes and the closet was full with her odds and ends. Also, why am I unpacking my suitcases somewhere Im so uncomfortable and trying to think of any way to get out? So the “dirtyness” was all clothes. And the $150.00 grocery money? She gives Cody that amount for the BOTH of us when hes here… Yah and isnt that some bullshit she still does his bills and controls his money? Shes a control FREAK! She told him I wont be allowed to touch his money. Uhh… Thanks, but Cody told me himself that Im allowed to. Shes so money hungry and weird about money! I hope I did a good job at explaining. If theres any confusion just drop me a line! Thanks guys! 

.ExternalClass .EC_hmmessage P {padding:0px;} .ExternalClass body.EC_hmmessage {font-size:10pt;font-family:Verdana;}nikki is looking out for you cody she is not starting shit ,
and when i go shopping for food i dont buy any bad stuff i watch waht i eat and she knows that
cody she tells you one thing and does something total different idk what to tell you ,
if she is so unhappy here she can go home im not stopping her ,but i will not play little kid games im
not in school anymore and she is not my kid i will not put up with shit from her if she does not want to
talk to us that is fine but grow up ,she came home from work at 230 and was in bed at 6 when we came
home from the gym .and i know where you are i will stop tell you my problems and live with her (them ) LOL!
and i was just play like I said before I do not hate her I dont like some of her ways.
I LOVE YOU CODY , BE SAFE, 
love momkim  
 

Hey friends! =]

Im feeling happy today about my weigh in and Ive reached something kind of big for me, so I thought Id blog =]

179! I made it back into the 170’s!!!!! When I started my weight loss journey forever ago I started at 225 =/ [This was back in high school, so I didnt record it as my starting weight.] I dropped an amazing 59 lbs!!! At 166lbs, no one from school even recognized me. I was on myspace one day and my old crush messaged me and was like “whats up gorgeous?” and I asked if he knew who it was? He didnt. When I told him, he didnt even know what to say. Haha. That made me feel so good!!! I got looked at, I got asked to dance at the clubs. I mean, I was livin the dream!!!

Fast forward to Feb ‘08… I move in with Cody. And that bean pole of a boy is 6′4” and ohhh a good 170 lbs! You can see, I have a pic on my profile of that skinny man! So apparently Cody thinks that for whatever reason I can eat the same kinds of foods he does. You know, half a pizza, bag of chips, sodas for lunch, then a little taco bell for dinner, maybe some wendys. AHHH!!! Ruined my life style! I had been eating healthy and exercising and I just threw it all away =[

I ended up gaining 34 of those 59 lbs lost =*[ I was crushed. I was a solid 200 again and thats when I found this site. I started back in January and failed a couple times. But when Cody left for Iraq on February 18th [4 weeks ago this past Wednesday] I decided this gives me 6 whole months to turn my life around. No distractions! On the 4th week anniversary I was down TWENTY pounds!!!!!! And today, Im back into the 170’s. I have 13 more to go to hit that 166 I want so badly to be at again. And I know in another 5 to 10 lbs my FAVORITE hollister jeans are going back on!!! YAY!!!

After my 166 goal, I plan to hit 146. Which is the lowest weight I should be at for my body type, so says my trainer. But I bet I can make it to the 130’s. Ive lost weight before. Im doing it again now. And I KNOW I can make these goals.

I have 5 more whole months left, 150 days exactly, to lose 33 more lbs. And when I started this, I needed to lose 34 to get me back. I just feel like all my numbers are really happening! One step at a time though. Lets get me down into the lower 170’s and the 160’s are right around the corner. WOO! I just feel amazing today. And Im hoping that someone can read this, and if youre having trouble, you realize anyone can do it. I know, so cliche. But this is my second time around. And I started at a really big weight both times, 225 and 200. It just amazes me that Im down 21 lbs from my starting weight and 46[OMG!!!!!!] lbs from high school! HOLY CRAP BATMAN! So not to be cliche, and dorky… but we can do this! =]

OH MY GOD! Do I feel better today!!!

Saturday was cheat day. I didnt wanna go overboard, so I had normal food until about dinner time. I went a whole 7 and a half days without having any cheat food. Im usually really good about that kinda stuff. And I only “cheat” on the 8th or 9th day after staying hardcore on my diet.

I was cravinggggg Taco Bell like no other!!! MMM…. So I ordered just a cheesey gordita crunch, and a bean burrito. I was so full after that. And I just drank water with my dinner. I was super tired by 9pm so I went to bed. At about 915/930… I had to run to the bathroom to get sick. And it happened 5 times in the first hour. It was none stop sickness! I felt like DEATH!!! I couldnt keep anything down, or in for that matter. My tummy was hurtin big time!!!

Im kinda eh about my weight today too now because of last night. I dropped to 180. You think I would be estatic. I am, dont get me wrong! But I feel like I did it the wrong way. Ive had some experimenting with different eating disorders. I think this is the first time Ive talked about them on BS. But to wrap it all up in a little summary, Ive binged ate for a lonnng time, which finally led to bulimia. Ick. I cant believe I just wrote that word. But I feel AWFUL! Like, thats a piece of me I want to let go and Im ashamed of myself for being happy at my 3 lbs weight loss since yesterday from throwing up all night. It just hit me… The first thing I thought when my taco bell was out of my system was ‘cool, so its almost like cheat day didnt even happen!’ That sucks! Ive been doing so good at doing this the healthy way. I went to treatments, and counseling. UGH!!! I just want to eat healthy meals 6 times a day. And do my workouts every day. And lose a pound or two A WEEK! So it stays off! Not 3 lbs in a night from puking my guts out.

I felt so weak all last night. I couldnt eat a thing. Or even drink anything. And food seems repulsive right now. But I know I need to eat. Ive worked too hard to let anything like this break me. Im gonna go have a little kashi go lean breakfast. =/

Hopefully my tummys all better now. And hopefully I can get to the next mini goal withoutttt food poisoning!!! =]

Hahaha… I went tanning about an hour ago, and I was trying to figure out that smell! And it hit me!!! PLAY-DOH!!! Haha, how funny…

But I just wanted to come on and blog that I feel amazing. And its because of meeeee =] For the first time in my life, I am making myself look better and feel better!

I am one pound away from another mini goal, AND… I am the lowest Ive ever been on this site! Im not turning back now! No no!

I went to the gym for my accessment today. I had a nice chat about some of my numbers. I guess my lean body mass weight is about 125 lbs, and because of my build, my lean muscle mass, etc, my final goal should be 152!!! And absolutely no lower than 146!!! I was in shock! I want my final weight to be at least in the 130’s!!! But my accessor assured me my body will look amazing at 149 or 150. And I would look sickly if I got down to 135! So, I guess well see how that goes. Its kind of motivational, but at the same time… At this exact time last year, I weighed in at 166. Only a mere 20 lbs from my “goal” weight!!! If only I had kept on track =/ But you know what? Ive been there before, and Im gonna do it again! So TAKE THAT STUPID FAT! Haha. Im kicking this fat off my body for good! And in the 5 and half months I have left, 39 lbs is more than feisable! WOO!!!