tabbathaanne

So Ill be 23 in a little less than 3 hours. Thats always fun! Im just happy to be at 170 right now. Im hoping for a nice 160 something number tomorrow morning for my present to myself. ; ]

So mini update. I dont feel like getting into all the details. But Im doing ok. Im doing better now that I talked to a few people about whats going on. I bought myself some time. I can think about things now. Ill be able to figure out what I want to do and how I want to do them.

I took a one week solid break from the gym. I went back today finally. It felt so good. I did some hardcore arms. Im going back for more cardio in a little bit. I just had some amazing Special K chicken! =] SOOO yummmm! Ive been eating pretty good. The whole week I took off from the gym, I ate decent. Today I had some wheat pasta, only 2 oz. I had an egg with a little low fat cheese, and a big piece of baked chicken. I have to go get some more veggies soon. My fridge is soooooo bare! Maybe another bday present to myself haha. And Ill have another meal when I come home from the gym. Oh yah! And I had 6 Strawberry Frosted Mini Wheats haha… I think thats a total of 45 calories. But I needed something while my chicken was baking! I was STARVING! =p

Im still hoping to head to Denver tomorrow. Me and Erin are gonna go shopping. I wanna get my Abercrombie outfit now. I was gonna wait a couple more weeks. I still have almost 4 weeks to put this body through some serious workouts but Im thinking if I get the outfit now, it will be even more motivation! Erin and I will be walking the dogs daily. And Ill be gymming during the day, weights and cardio, then back for more cardio at night. I think I can see the 150s within the next 4 weeks. Im excited for that. And Im gonna try to get an outfit I know I can make work. Four weeks is plenty of time right? =/ Haha…

So goodbye to 22. It was certainly a very interesting year. A lot of ups and downs. Weight wise, and not so much weight wise. Im just happy to be starting 23 off with a nice lower weight number, and a nice new outlook on my life. Im a lot stronger than I thought. And I do have to thank a lot of you wonderful buddies for that. =]

Tomorrow is my day. No thinking about bad things. Just enjoying an awesome day with one of my buddies! =]

Ok, well. Ive been sobbing uncontrollably for the past 8 hours, and I have nothing left to cry.

To everyone who posted on my last blog, thank you, and I will get back to you. To all who wrote me messages, I will write you ASAP! I just remembered it was Friday and its weigh in time for the team. I didnt wanna get kicked off my first official whole week, so I came online to weigh in.

Im not gonna lie… Everything I said in my last blog, I think everyone kind of thought I was talking about weight loss. But right now, I couldnt give two shits about how much I lose. [Sorry team, thats not any good thinking…] But I do have a quite valid reason. Exactly a week ago I had all the plans for Codys and my wedding ALL PLANNED OUT. Well, LONNNG story short, me and Cody… not so good. A LOT has happened. A LOT. And when I think I can blog about it, I will. But its seriously an enormous amount of shit. Its not even funny. And icing on the cake? UPS came today with our wedding rings. Oh yah… That was good.

So no more wedding, no more plans, no more vacation… and… no more Cody and Tabb right now.

Buddies, I can barely see my eyes are so puffy. Im all blah. And I dont care. Guess what I ate today? A 140 calorie granola bar. Oh… And a bunch of water. YAY! NOT! =[ Im so stressed that I cant eat. I dont even know anymore. Im so lost and confused and terrified of the future right now. Im gonna need a lot of buddy support. =[ And how unfair of me to ask for support when I dont even have the energy to support others right now. Im sorry. That is a bit selfish of me. So I do apologize, and I will try to be a better Buddy asap. I just cannot sit here and think about and realize my life. Its horrendous. A complete and utter mess.

Thank you all though for being here for me. Thank you SO SO SO much for the wonderful support on my last blog. You guys mean so much to me. And thanks for listening to me ramble. I just dont know what else to do. Its 4am here and well, Im alone. =/ You buddies are the only ones I have right now. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much for being here for me.

I guess some Tylenol PM would be a good idea to help me get this day away. I dont wanna think anymore. I can barely function as it is.

Buddies, again; Thank you for all you have done for me. I know you are all here for me, and I couldnt be more grateful. I love you all buddies…

Goodnight… I think…

Rant. Me being in a shitty mood. Read at your own risk. 

Buddies…

Im so done.

Its not even funny. I am frustrated, annoyed, pissy, moody, etc. and its not because of my period, pms, or anything like that. I went to Walmart and got me some ice cream day 18 I think it was. Had Taco Bell. Loved it. Had Wendys one night. Im just over it.

Theres a lot going on, and I know you can all tell this is so unlike me. Im not even sure why Im eating like I dont care, because I do care! Well actually yesterday and today I did amazing with food, but I still cant seem to find the time to workout. I went to the gym last night, Erin was there. I havent seen her in forever. So we chatted for like 5 mins and she got a call from her drunk friend who needed a ride. She asked if I would come with her. So I skipped the gym AGAIN. At least I cleaned my house good today. Blah. BLAHHH!!!

Im just annoyed. Im over calorie counting. Im over trying to lose weight. Im over trying to get skinny. Im just pissy and over it.

Im not dress shopping. Im not planning anymore stupid wedding. Im not planning the vacation back to Massachusetts. Im going to visit my family… by MYSELF! Ugh. Im so sick of shit. Im sick of ittttt!!!

Im sorry Im in such a shitty mood. I just dont have the motivation to do anything right now. I need to force myself to go to the gym. Ugh. Wish me luck.

At least I volunteered to be D.D. tomorrow. No reason to have any empty cals from drinking. Tomorrow should be a fun day. That makes me happy.

Ok, time to try to get to the gym. Cross your fingers I make it there and stay! =[

Wow… I cant believe how fast time is going by!!!

And you would think me not having blogged about my day in 2 days I would have something to say! But I dont. =/ Im tired. My mind is tired. My body is exhausted. And I havent been to the gym in almost 2 days! What the hell is wrong with me!? I have 33 days left!!! Man… Im just happy to still be hovering right around 173. I think Im gonna take tonight off as well. Get some serious rest. Then gym like a fiend. I have to. I just dont know whats wrong with me. Maybe I have mono! =O All I want to do is sleep. I have zero energy still. I was up at 1pm today [not the best.] but by 545pm I was EXHAUSTED and had to lay down!!! I hadnt even done anything!!! Im just lacking some energy and I dont know why! =/

So Im still right around 173. Thats fine. I ate a couple things I shouldnt have between yesterday and today. Fine. I didnt hit up the gym, but I did clean my house to the point where I was nonstop [I get my spurts, even ask Cody] for over 2 hours. Fine. I woke up today, no serious weight gain. FINEEEE! Just give me some energy so I can get to the gymmmmm!!!

I know I can get to 155/160 in 33 more days. So Im not too worried about taking this time off. I think Im pulling a Kerstin and a Nancy. But man, I just want to gym and not want crap foods!!! I had a handful of animal cracker and a cheeseburger. Bleh. But even so, my calories never went near 2000!!! I was at 1500 yesterday [with the burger!!!] and Im barely at 1000 right now!!! So Im trying to get in another good meal and snack tonight. Maybe some wheat pasta and veggies, and for a snack, a pudding cup. That should put me around 1400. I was thinking I wasnt getting enough sugar. Or maybe not enough cals. So hopefully 2 days dedicated to some calories and some GOOD sugar will help out. Im gonna go snack on an apple for some healthy sugar now actually.

::Sigh::

So I texted Codys cousin Raihna today. She does hair. Shes gonna do mine on August 7th. That makes me happy. And Monday I get to sign up for tanning! Then some teeth whitening and a new outfit, and man Im gonna be a sexy Tabb! Right? I mean, I do have 33 more days. Thats about 5 weeks. And I know what I accomplished in 6. So I can do this!!! How hard can 13lbs be in 5 weeks? Ugh… I bet some of this has to do with stress. I keep playing the scene over in my mind where I dont reach my goal. Well NO! I HAVE TO REACH IT! And I WILL!!! Grr… Ok, I dont really have anything to be positive about. Im gonna go have some dinner and let that digest, take Killer for a walk, then ni night time.

Sorry Im being such a bad buddy. I hope everyone else is doing good!

Goodnight!!!

So lost.

Tonight I attempted to go to the gym. I got in the car, got to the gym, and realized I was starving. I forgot to eat. I dont know how this happened. Silly me. I ALMOST cheated. I was like, well Taco Bell is closer than home… I stopped that train of thought. Then I thought some ice cream might help because I needed some sugar. That didnt last long either thank god! So I decided to head home, grab a bite, and head back to the gym. On the way back home, I realized I was tired. I blamed this on the not eating. I figured that was why I had no energy. So I come home, I made a nice protein shake, killed my cravings, and then I felt even more tired!!! What is going on?! So I decide then to just give myself a little, get some energy back, and head to the gym. All the while, Im browsing the net. I come across this article in the news and I just start hopping around todays news links. I dont even know how I came across this site. It was something to do with… Actually, I dont even remember now. I must be more upset about this that I thought.

Well I started browsing this site. It had a self pic gallery. And this is the description for the pictures you are about to view…

The Self Pic - A Gallery 

July 6th, 2009 | 04:11 pm

We’d just like to thank all the of girls in this gallery for taking these awesome pictures,and all of their ex-boyfriends for loading them onto the internet. 

Well OHHHKAYYY!!!

I was browsing some of the pix. I got to the end of it, not surprisingly. These pictures just drew me in. In a way I wanted to cry, because no matter how hard I work, my body could never look like any of these. And on the other hand, I got to the bottom of the page and one comment even said one of the girls were too skinny!!! SERIOUSLY?! We cannot win!!! Im feeling so low and for NO reason!!! I have made such amazing progress in such a short time and I know I still have so much time left!!! So what is going on with me?! I just saw some of these girls and they have such pretty faces. Well thats all the compliments Ive ever heard. “Ohhh Tabbatha, you have such a pretty face!!!”. But that was it. These girls have the perfect body to go with their beautiful faces. And Im not jealous. Im working my ass off to get what they have. And honestly, if you got it? FLAUNT IT!!! I know I would!!! So its not a jealousy thing. Im just mad at myself for gaining so much and never doing anything about it. My skin is so stretched and nasty. I have stretch marks EVERYWHERE. I will never have a “flat” tummy without the aide of surgery. Pfftt… I am not in a good mood right now. I want to cry. But I want to head to the gym and run for hours on end. I know it wont make me look like those girls. But its productive at least!

I think the saddest part about it all? I was looking through all of the pictures and hadnt even come across the comments yet. I for whatever reason chose the pretty girl, in my opinion, and wished that was what I could look like someday… Well guess which girl was “too skinny”… What a messed up American Society. I hate it. All of it. Im gonna go eat a string cheese and some veggies and head to the gym!

=/

Hey gals! [And some guys!]

Not too much to report today. Im upping the calories, so thats good. For breakfast I had 2 whole eggs, instead of 1 whole egg and 1 egg white. And I added a little extra cheese. So it went up 100 calories there. And Im working on some dinner right now! Im trying to add to it to make it more caloric. Haha…

Ive been cleaning and rearranging my house like a mad woman! I vacuumed 4 times! I dont know why! I just get in these spurts! I have some laundry I need to finish and a load of dishes. But I will get those done. I moved a bunch of furniture around. I moved all the kitchen stuff around. The living room too. I rearranged some of the bathroom. And next will be the bedrooms!!! I dont like the same layout for more than 4 months haha. Ive been doing that since I was younger. Cody isnt gonna recognize me or this house!!! HAHAHA!!! 

Now Im just waiting for the sun to go down a bit and the air to cool down. Its too hot for a run with Killer. And tonight after I get finished most of my cleaning, Ill be headed for the gym!!! Im gonna shoot for an hour spinning, and some arms today. My thighs hurt today which is nice. I did some different leg things yesterday. Im happy to know those are working well for me haha…

Five more weeks to get this bod and house into shape!!! =]

Sorry its so short!!! And no pix!!! Man, Im a BuddySlim slacker! =p

To all of my wonderful buddies; Thank you for understanding that I havent been on too much lately. I was so overworked, stressed, and pretty exhausted. I set my alarm for 9am today, but fell back asleep… til 12!!! I must have needed it. And man did I feel refreshed!!! So I think I got my mojo back, again! =p

I went for a nice 45 minute walk/run with Killer. I also went to the gym today and tackled some legs! Finally! And I also put myself through a gruesome mini cycle session of 20 minutes. It was brutal. I sweat like I was working with a trainer, so that felt nice. I did a little bit of arms, and I worked a ton of leg today. I hope it hurts tomorrow! I ate SUPER healthy. But again, everytime I seem to do this, I dont get enough cals in. But when youre consuming literally 2 cups of veggies at lunch and dinner? You get full pretty quick. And those green beans are my fave. I ate a whole box! And I dont care! =p Everything else was portioned accordingly.  

Today’s Intake: 

-1 egg and 1 egg white with 1 slice low fat cheese: 137

-1 green pepper: 20cals

-string cheese: 50cals

-8oz chicken breast: 250cals

-2.5 servings green beans: 112 cals

-1 tablespoon peanut butter: 90cals

-1/4 turkey burger: 160cals

-1 salad, with parm sprinkled and 2 tablespoons dressing: 90cals

Total cals: 859, oops!!! Maybe I should go have some more something! =p Maybe some green beans hahaha… But nice protein in there, I did GREAT on water. I peed soooo much today!!! And I was out for a good portion of today too. I usually never go to the gym so early. But I went after I woke up! =] That was a nice change.

I only have 36 days left. Im getting a little nervous. Which I know can slow weight loss down, so Im trying to just take it for what its worth and think about how Ive already changed so much. I still have 5 weeks, and that is plenty of time to accomplish. I mean, look what I did in 6! So I think I just need to chill. I feel good about what I ate today. Everytime I got hungry I went and grabbed something. So I am NOT starving myself. And I am pretty full right now. It makes me wonder how I used to be able to consume so much food before. I guess my tummy just isnt as big. ; ] Which is SOOO nice to think about!

So it looks like Hawaii is being planned. Gotta love that. Im pretty excited for some vacation time. Some VERY MUCH NEEDED alone and vacation time. Plus being away from the beach has been driving me insane for the past year and a half, so I told Cody he owes me hahaha… He knows Im joking, but its sooo nice that were going to the beach anyways!!! =]]]

I start my teeth whitening tomorrow [Yup, the time has come! Can you believe it?! It feels like it was only yesterday I was bawling about having to go through 6 months of this crap haha.] Then come Monday I start tanning!!! I cannot believe its finally time!!! Then in 3 more weeks I get my hair platinumized! Oooohh I cannot wait for that! Then I go to Denver to go shopping with one of my bestest buddies!!! =]]]]] So Im hoping things start getting done. I need to finish this house cleaning, I want to make banners for when Cody comes home, and I want to write in window chalk on his car!!! Anybody else have any fun ideas that I could do for when he comes home???

Well I think this is it for my blog tonight. I need to go and get back to being a good buddy and update myself on what I have missed!!! Night! =]

Ooohh! Ps… This is a pic of me and my cousin from my 21st birthday in Vegas. This is what I want my hair to look like again!!! Cody already approved hahaha…

Ok, I need to keep this short. I have a mega headache, Im super tired, and things have been 50/50.

Lots of crap yesterday. Itll be ok, and Im on track today. I made spinach with my eggs. Its gross haha… But Ill deal with it.

I went shopping yesterday and pulled a skirt off the rack. I took 11s, Lindsey grabbed the 9s. The 11s were HUGE!!! So I asked Lindsey for the 9s. They went on with EASE! That was nice… But the food intake yesterday wasnt. I counted all the cals and made smart choices. I just ate a little too much. Still under 2000, so its not terrible to where I cant gym it off today.

Stress. No good. My period keeps going away and coming back. Thats not fun either. Its making my weight go insane. I dont like that. And I woke up at 5am to Killer puking up not one, but TWO WHOLE tampons. That was insane. Im exhausted. But I have to gym it like no other from now until August 21st. And I need to eat cleaner, and run nightly. No more stupid interference! Im done!

Ok, short blog, but keeping you updated. Im so tired. And I know I owe a ton of my buddies some boosters. Thanks for understanding I just need a little time. Ill be back and much better soon. I think Ill nap before gym time! =]

Well my day 11 is done with now. Man am I exhausted! I just got in from my run/walk. That was nice. Killer liked it too! I was hoping he would go potty! I went to the gym around 9 to 11pm, and come home after that. Only to find my bathroom trash can contents ever so nicely ALL OVER my house!!! I didnt like that… And dont keep reading if you have a weak tummy… But I found HALF of my tampon missing. Stupid animal. He loves to eat them! Even unopened ones! He grabs them, opens them, tears the cardboard off, and plays with the cotton part! Well, this time, he decided to EAT it!!! Damn dog. So I called the emergency vet. They said because he ate it in small pieces [I know my dog well], and he didnt consume the whole thing, that he could pass it. Lovely. The vet said give him some wet food to make it easier to pass. Even more lovely! She said I could give him a teaspoon of peroxide to make him throw it up, but if there was anything sharp, I wouldnt want to do that, just incase. Soooo off to Walmart I go to get wet dog food. Im nervous to get that stuff. Killer has never had it and I remember the wet dog food scare. So Im a bit nervous. But if this will help that dummy’s poor little tummy, then wet food it shall be.

So I did arms and abs at the gym. I wasnt very energized today. Im bloated and a bit pissy. This is what, my 4th blog today? Hahaha… So the gym was ok. I stayed for a while. Alyx was there and her friend Tanya. She was funny. Shes an athlete and man oh man that girl is muscley!!! So that was fun…

Theres not too much else to report. Just been keeping on track all day. Didnt cheat with my food. I should have ate more so I could workout harder and longer. But Ive been stressed a bit still and Im working on my appetite! And not to mention my sleeping schedule. I woke up around 10am today! So weird. So Im mentally and physically drained. Bummer. But hey! I still worked out! =] Same weight, but Ill take 173.2 for now. Cross your fingers for that drop! Im hoping… Maybe I should go chug some more water haha.

Ok, Im tired. I think its bed time. Alyx wants me to do her class tomorrow. YIKES! That would mean I need to wake up at 8am, get ready for it, eat a nice breakfast to have that nice energy level, and do it! Im 50/50. I want to go. But my body is drained and Ive skipped out on some major sleeping time in the past couple of nights. Not good. Not on purpose, but still not good! Pretty Woman is on. I love that movie… But sleep time is much more important!

Off to bed! Goodnight Slimmers! =]

I updated it, added a few words, and just saved it, with no password needed. And all the same pix from before.

NERVOUS!!!!! =O