tabbathaanne

Im taking a break…

Ill be back…

Miss you all.

So this is what its like to not care.

I am ANGRY today. And for a pretty good reason. I dont even wanna get into detail. It doesnt matter. But Erin came over and helped me eat a pizza. And I didnt care… Until now.

I need help. I just wanna keep puking it all up. And bingeing more on more food Ugh. This is not good. I thought I was ready to come back here… But now… I dont know if I can do this anymore. Not right now anyways. All I can think about is crying, then eating to feel better… Then… Taking a ton of laxatives to get it all out and puking. Wow. I didnt even think it was that bad til I just typed it all out. I need some help.

Im gonna lose my 170’s… Im not ever gonna reach 140 like this…

I need to be medicated for some serious depression. I miss my family. I miss home. I miss my life. I miss the gym. I miss the old me. And I miss the old Cody. The one who wasnt an ass. The one who treated me like a princess. The one who didnt make me miserable. And now… Im stuck. I dont even care about my weight right now. I dont care about being healthy. I just dont care anymore. Or maybe I do? Im here? And blogging. Maybe this is me asking for help. Who knows. But what I do know is I need to be up and out of the house for some stupid driving school to get my speeding ticket cleared. Ugh. I need to be there at 845am. When Im not used to going to bed until 5am? And waking up at 2pm? Wish me luck… Its the last class before my times up. Ok… To bed. I guess I feel better getting that out… Kind of. =[

Ps- Super big sorry. I know Im being selfish with my BuddySlim time right now. Im only on here to blog, then Im off. I dont comment anyone right now, and Im limited on replying. Im sorry for that. I just dont think my negativety is needed by you all. I just needed to get it out. I hope I can be back to the old Tabb you all miss. Im sorry gals and guys…

I feel like a complete failure. July 28th, the birthday, marked the beginning of a serious demise to my goals! I started eating LOTS of crap food. I did it for 4 weeks. I weighed in today. I am at 176. Ok. I can deal with that. Thats a 6 pound gain. Over 4 weeks. Fine. The first two weeks were ok. I didnt gain. Then the more crap I ate, of course, the more I gained.

Todays food and yesterdays were pretty good. This is my 3rd day of being back on track and strict. I had a nice handful of animal crackers last night. I was so famished. And there is seriously nothing but junk food in this house. I went junk food shopping for Cody… Who was supposed to return between the 18th and 21st of August. Then that got pushed back to 25th. Then the 28th. Now September 3rd. So the 4 bags of chips, boxes of cookies, all the stuff to make rice krispy treats for the next 2 months, ice cream, sodas, beer, wine, alcohol, sugary cereals, etc… Are sitting all over my house. With no one here to eat them. I am proud to say I have NOT touched any of it, with the exception of 3 mint cookie sticks over the course of 3 days last week. I think thats half a serving size haha.

Im in such a shitty mood lately though. My personal life took a huge dive. Therefore some bad habits came back. =/ I do however have a goal date. I WILL LOSE 30 POUNDS MINIMUM BY NOVEMBER 1ST! That will put me at 140. Im doing it. I dont care.

Also, I thought it was important… My previous body fat percentage from when I was working out like a fiend has only gone up by exactly 1%. Since Cody left I am down exactly 10%. It would have been 11%. But Ill get my 1% back! I think 10% is an incredible number. And I just have to keep telling myself that. I looked like a completely different person back in February… And Cody’s uncle posted some Facebook pix to proove it. Ugh. I forgot about those pix… and he just now posted them on FB. All I have to say is I am SOOO happy I dont look like that anymore. Two hundred pounds is something I refuse to ever see again.

Ok. Im done my ramblings for today. Maybe Ill take Killer for a walk. Who knows… I still have no workout ambition. At least Im eating better…

A fresh start. Lots going on. Too much to blog. I have a HUGE headache…

But… I think Im back.

Ill try to get back to everyone. But thank you all for your support. It was nice to know I was missed. =] I missed you all just as much.

Mini catch up… Codys come home date got pushed back AGAIN. So I now have until September 3rd to kick my own ass. Down side? I thought he was coming home the 18th or 19th. So my gym membership EXPIRED the other day…

Lets see what I can do in a week huh? Oh boy…

Missed you all… And sorry. I seriously think I need to see a doc about some depression issues. I cannot even begin to tell you the mess my life has become. No sympathy needed though, I will get this shit straightened out and soon. I have no choice.

Love ya’ll!

Xoxo

First and foremost, thank you all for the birthday wishes. That was well over a week ago, and I have yet to thank any of you. Im being an awful buddy. [Kerstin, my dearest, I am so sorry… =[ I feel like I let you down the most…]

I just feel like complete shit. Im letting myself go. Ive been eating HORRIBLE for 2 weeks. Its like a birthday mess of food and whatnot. And worst of all, I have 2 weeks left. Its all good though. Im losing muscle, but maintaining the weight. So Im expected a gain and some muscle loss. Oh lovely. Tomorrow I start the gym again. Ill be ok. Im doing an extra veg thing. That will be fun. Im anxious. Thats never a good thing. And Im so stressed that my period decided to be 6 days late so far. Still no sign of it coming. Blah.

I guess I just wanted to come on and apologize to all my awesome buddies who I just cant seem to be a good buddy back to. I think I was just embarrassed to come on and admit defeat. And even worse, I know people like to watch others fail. I didnt wanna be the failure everyone said “told you so” to. Im having such a down day. It has to be the end. Its been a down couple of weeks for me. I need to see a 160s number soon… I have to.

I now officially have 16 days until Cody comes back. I can still do a lot in 16 days. Ill be ok. Im just stressed. I need to tell myself to chill and its not working. You buddies wouldnt even believe some of the foods I consumed. My birthday being the worst!!! I ate like a piggy! Tomorrow… well like 10 hours from now is my game on time. Oh man. I hope I can make this work. I have to squish 6 weeks of work into a little less than 3. Totally doable. But not looking forward to it. On top of that, I have NO healthy food in the house. So when I wake up tomorrow? Well maybe Ill just walk to Safeway across the street and get something GOOD for me. Oh life…

Again buddies, Im sorry Ive been M.I.A… Im just out of it. Im hoping to get back in my groove. This has been the worst funk ever and I cannot get myself out! =[

I miss you all… Ill be around. I havent really been replying to messages here or my email. I need out of this funk! Someone helpppp!!! Im so sorry buddies.

=*[