tabbathaanne

I dont remember the past 4 months being so boring, so why now? Codys at work. Im tired. I just woke up from a helpless nap. BUT! I am eating good!!! I had some chicken, grilled of course. Some veggies. Yummm. And breakfast was an apple and a piece of wheat toast!

I really should take the car to get an oil change. But Im lazy. It snowed this morning. Thank God none stuck! Haha ps A.D.D. much!?

Tomorrow is weigh in day! Im excited! Im hoping for good thingsss!

Anyways! On to read some and comment some blogs!

Dual meaning. Cody wanted to go to Safeway last night and get some ice cream. We were gonna get a pint of Ben & Jerrys to split. I was looking at all the flavors and came across; Chubby Hubby. Its got chocolate covered, peanut butter filled pretzels, fudge and peanut butter in it. WOAHHH!!! Not to mention there are 4 servings in a pint of B&J… This particular devil food has 330 calories, 25 grams of sugar, and ready for this? A whopping TWENTY [20] grams of FAT PER serving!!!!! Now times all that by 4, which would total the whole pint, which I could have for sure done, no problem!

Cody can have it! Hes so skinny STILL! But has the mentality of a chubber for sure! Jerk… Hahaha…

All I have to say is, Im happy to be back!

The title says it all! I am back!!!

Cody came home at the beginning of this month. We went to Massachusetts on vacation as planned. And well, it went as expected. Food Fest 2009 as I liked to refer to it as. Haha… But, a serious gain for me. From 170 to 182. Its ok though. Tomorrow, Tuesday, September 29th, is gonna be a huge day for me.

Were going to the base to get me sponsored on so I can drive on base by myself and get to the gym whenever. Tomorrow the new diet starts. Well… Not really diet. Just being smart. And tomorrow is me and Cody’s 2 year anniversary. My longest relationship. :p

I’ve missed you all! And Im happy Im back! I cant wait to catch up!

YAY!

~Tabbatha

Im taking a break…

Ill be back…

Miss you all.

So this is what its like to not care.

I am ANGRY today. And for a pretty good reason. I dont even wanna get into detail. It doesnt matter. But Erin came over and helped me eat a pizza. And I didnt care… Until now.

I need help. I just wanna keep puking it all up. And bingeing more on more food Ugh. This is not good. I thought I was ready to come back here… But now… I dont know if I can do this anymore. Not right now anyways. All I can think about is crying, then eating to feel better… Then… Taking a ton of laxatives to get it all out and puking. Wow. I didnt even think it was that bad til I just typed it all out. I need some help.

Im gonna lose my 170’s… Im not ever gonna reach 140 like this…

I need to be medicated for some serious depression. I miss my family. I miss home. I miss my life. I miss the gym. I miss the old me. And I miss the old Cody. The one who wasnt an ass. The one who treated me like a princess. The one who didnt make me miserable. And now… Im stuck. I dont even care about my weight right now. I dont care about being healthy. I just dont care anymore. Or maybe I do? Im here? And blogging. Maybe this is me asking for help. Who knows. But what I do know is I need to be up and out of the house for some stupid driving school to get my speeding ticket cleared. Ugh. I need to be there at 845am. When Im not used to going to bed until 5am? And waking up at 2pm? Wish me luck… Its the last class before my times up. Ok… To bed. I guess I feel better getting that out… Kind of. =[

Ps- Super big sorry. I know Im being selfish with my BuddySlim time right now. Im only on here to blog, then Im off. I dont comment anyone right now, and Im limited on replying. Im sorry for that. I just dont think my negativety is needed by you all. I just needed to get it out. I hope I can be back to the old Tabb you all miss. Im sorry gals and guys…

I feel like a complete failure. July 28th, the birthday, marked the beginning of a serious demise to my goals! I started eating LOTS of crap food. I did it for 4 weeks. I weighed in today. I am at 176. Ok. I can deal with that. Thats a 6 pound gain. Over 4 weeks. Fine. The first two weeks were ok. I didnt gain. Then the more crap I ate, of course, the more I gained.

Todays food and yesterdays were pretty good. This is my 3rd day of being back on track and strict. I had a nice handful of animal crackers last night. I was so famished. And there is seriously nothing but junk food in this house. I went junk food shopping for Cody… Who was supposed to return between the 18th and 21st of August. Then that got pushed back to 25th. Then the 28th. Now September 3rd. So the 4 bags of chips, boxes of cookies, all the stuff to make rice krispy treats for the next 2 months, ice cream, sodas, beer, wine, alcohol, sugary cereals, etc… Are sitting all over my house. With no one here to eat them. I am proud to say I have NOT touched any of it, with the exception of 3 mint cookie sticks over the course of 3 days last week. I think thats half a serving size haha.

Im in such a shitty mood lately though. My personal life took a huge dive. Therefore some bad habits came back. =/ I do however have a goal date. I WILL LOSE 30 POUNDS MINIMUM BY NOVEMBER 1ST! That will put me at 140. Im doing it. I dont care.

Also, I thought it was important… My previous body fat percentage from when I was working out like a fiend has only gone up by exactly 1%. Since Cody left I am down exactly 10%. It would have been 11%. But Ill get my 1% back! I think 10% is an incredible number. And I just have to keep telling myself that. I looked like a completely different person back in February… And Cody’s uncle posted some Facebook pix to proove it. Ugh. I forgot about those pix… and he just now posted them on FB. All I have to say is I am SOOO happy I dont look like that anymore. Two hundred pounds is something I refuse to ever see again.

Ok. Im done my ramblings for today. Maybe Ill take Killer for a walk. Who knows… I still have no workout ambition. At least Im eating better…

A fresh start. Lots going on. Too much to blog. I have a HUGE headache…

But… I think Im back.

Ill try to get back to everyone. But thank you all for your support. It was nice to know I was missed. =] I missed you all just as much.

Mini catch up… Codys come home date got pushed back AGAIN. So I now have until September 3rd to kick my own ass. Down side? I thought he was coming home the 18th or 19th. So my gym membership EXPIRED the other day…

Lets see what I can do in a week huh? Oh boy…

Missed you all… And sorry. I seriously think I need to see a doc about some depression issues. I cannot even begin to tell you the mess my life has become. No sympathy needed though, I will get this shit straightened out and soon. I have no choice.

Love ya’ll!

Xoxo

First and foremost, thank you all for the birthday wishes. That was well over a week ago, and I have yet to thank any of you. Im being an awful buddy. [Kerstin, my dearest, I am so sorry… =[ I feel like I let you down the most…]

I just feel like complete shit. Im letting myself go. Ive been eating HORRIBLE for 2 weeks. Its like a birthday mess of food and whatnot. And worst of all, I have 2 weeks left. Its all good though. Im losing muscle, but maintaining the weight. So Im expected a gain and some muscle loss. Oh lovely. Tomorrow I start the gym again. Ill be ok. Im doing an extra veg thing. That will be fun. Im anxious. Thats never a good thing. And Im so stressed that my period decided to be 6 days late so far. Still no sign of it coming. Blah.

I guess I just wanted to come on and apologize to all my awesome buddies who I just cant seem to be a good buddy back to. I think I was just embarrassed to come on and admit defeat. And even worse, I know people like to watch others fail. I didnt wanna be the failure everyone said “told you so” to. Im having such a down day. It has to be the end. Its been a down couple of weeks for me. I need to see a 160s number soon… I have to.

I now officially have 16 days until Cody comes back. I can still do a lot in 16 days. Ill be ok. Im just stressed. I need to tell myself to chill and its not working. You buddies wouldnt even believe some of the foods I consumed. My birthday being the worst!!! I ate like a piggy! Tomorrow… well like 10 hours from now is my game on time. Oh man. I hope I can make this work. I have to squish 6 weeks of work into a little less than 3. Totally doable. But not looking forward to it. On top of that, I have NO healthy food in the house. So when I wake up tomorrow? Well maybe Ill just walk to Safeway across the street and get something GOOD for me. Oh life…

Again buddies, Im sorry Ive been M.I.A… Im just out of it. Im hoping to get back in my groove. This has been the worst funk ever and I cannot get myself out! =[

I miss you all… Ill be around. I havent really been replying to messages here or my email. I need out of this funk! Someone helpppp!!! Im so sorry buddies.

=*[

So Ill be 23 in a little less than 3 hours. Thats always fun! Im just happy to be at 170 right now. Im hoping for a nice 160 something number tomorrow morning for my present to myself. ; ]

So mini update. I dont feel like getting into all the details. But Im doing ok. Im doing better now that I talked to a few people about whats going on. I bought myself some time. I can think about things now. Ill be able to figure out what I want to do and how I want to do them.

I took a one week solid break from the gym. I went back today finally. It felt so good. I did some hardcore arms. Im going back for more cardio in a little bit. I just had some amazing Special K chicken! =] SOOO yummmm! Ive been eating pretty good. The whole week I took off from the gym, I ate decent. Today I had some wheat pasta, only 2 oz. I had an egg with a little low fat cheese, and a big piece of baked chicken. I have to go get some more veggies soon. My fridge is soooooo bare! Maybe another bday present to myself haha. And Ill have another meal when I come home from the gym. Oh yah! And I had 6 Strawberry Frosted Mini Wheats haha… I think thats a total of 45 calories. But I needed something while my chicken was baking! I was STARVING! =p

Im still hoping to head to Denver tomorrow. Me and Erin are gonna go shopping. I wanna get my Abercrombie outfit now. I was gonna wait a couple more weeks. I still have almost 4 weeks to put this body through some serious workouts but Im thinking if I get the outfit now, it will be even more motivation! Erin and I will be walking the dogs daily. And Ill be gymming during the day, weights and cardio, then back for more cardio at night. I think I can see the 150s within the next 4 weeks. Im excited for that. And Im gonna try to get an outfit I know I can make work. Four weeks is plenty of time right? =/ Haha…

So goodbye to 22. It was certainly a very interesting year. A lot of ups and downs. Weight wise, and not so much weight wise. Im just happy to be starting 23 off with a nice lower weight number, and a nice new outlook on my life. Im a lot stronger than I thought. And I do have to thank a lot of you wonderful buddies for that. =]

Tomorrow is my day. No thinking about bad things. Just enjoying an awesome day with one of my buddies! =]

Ok, well. Ive been sobbing uncontrollably for the past 8 hours, and I have nothing left to cry.

To everyone who posted on my last blog, thank you, and I will get back to you. To all who wrote me messages, I will write you ASAP! I just remembered it was Friday and its weigh in time for the team. I didnt wanna get kicked off my first official whole week, so I came online to weigh in.

Im not gonna lie… Everything I said in my last blog, I think everyone kind of thought I was talking about weight loss. But right now, I couldnt give two shits about how much I lose. [Sorry team, thats not any good thinking…] But I do have a quite valid reason. Exactly a week ago I had all the plans for Codys and my wedding ALL PLANNED OUT. Well, LONNNG story short, me and Cody… not so good. A LOT has happened. A LOT. And when I think I can blog about it, I will. But its seriously an enormous amount of shit. Its not even funny. And icing on the cake? UPS came today with our wedding rings. Oh yah… That was good.

So no more wedding, no more plans, no more vacation… and… no more Cody and Tabb right now.

Buddies, I can barely see my eyes are so puffy. Im all blah. And I dont care. Guess what I ate today? A 140 calorie granola bar. Oh… And a bunch of water. YAY! NOT! =[ Im so stressed that I cant eat. I dont even know anymore. Im so lost and confused and terrified of the future right now. Im gonna need a lot of buddy support. =[ And how unfair of me to ask for support when I dont even have the energy to support others right now. Im sorry. That is a bit selfish of me. So I do apologize, and I will try to be a better Buddy asap. I just cannot sit here and think about and realize my life. Its horrendous. A complete and utter mess.

Thank you all though for being here for me. Thank you SO SO SO much for the wonderful support on my last blog. You guys mean so much to me. And thanks for listening to me ramble. I just dont know what else to do. Its 4am here and well, Im alone. =/ You buddies are the only ones I have right now. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much for being here for me.

I guess some Tylenol PM would be a good idea to help me get this day away. I dont wanna think anymore. I can barely function as it is.

Buddies, again; Thank you for all you have done for me. I know you are all here for me, and I couldnt be more grateful. I love you all buddies…

Goodnight… I think…